Bundesliga cheat sheet 2023/24
Are you new here? Or you were lazy over the summer? Not to worry, we'll get you up to speed
Guten Tag! I hope everyone’s enjoyed the summer break but enough of that nonsense, it’s time to tuck into some Bundesliga.
Whether you’re new here (maybe you really like Harry Kane?) or you just took the summer off, you’re in the right place for an incredibly quick update/lowdown on every team in Germany’s top flight for 2023/24. No time to waste!
1. FC Heidenheim
Heidenheim were in Germany’s fourth tier when Frank Schmidt, at the end of his career as a player, agreed to take over part-time as coach. He had no intention of sticking around. That was in 2007. Promotions in 2009, 2014 and now 2023 (with, impressively, no real threat of relegation at any point) now make him a Bundesliga head coach. Whatever happens now, you sort of have to root for them.
1. FC Köln
Köln did really well in 2021/22, then lost Anthony Modeste and Salih Özcan in 2022, and now Ellyes Skhiri and club icon Jonas Hector in 2023. Özcan and Skhiri were the base of that success as a superb midfield pair, last season Skhiri was still great but the team wasn’t. Steffen Baumgart will continue to preach intense football and pummelling the ball into the box — Leart Paqarada comes in from St. Pauli to replace Hector at left-back, his set-pieces and open play crossing ability will be something to look out for — but you worry for them.
1. FC Union Berlin
Never, ever write them off. From promotion to Conference League, then Europa League and now Champions League, this is the first time Union enter a new season without really losing any crucial players (for now, Sheraldo Becker could still leave) and they’re now reinforcing the squad with national team players like Robin Gosens (record signing at €15m) and Kevin Volland. Chelsea loanee David Datro Fofana will have to provide a consistent goal threat if Union are to keep defying the odds.
1. FSV Mainz 05
Rugged, gritty, hard to break down. Very much the image of their manager: Bo Svensson is the most bookable coach in the Bundesliga. And in Ludovic Ajorque, Mainz also boast the league’s purest ‘big man up top’ number nine.
Bayer Leverkusen
The dark horses. Because that’s what they always are. I cannot tell you how many people I’ve seen tipping them for the title but that’s also nothing new. Every year, come July, we are obliged to get all excited about Bayer Leverkusen. Even though they’ve lost Moussa Diaby. To be fair, they are exciting, especially Florian Wirtz now he’s fit again (he’s amazing) and it looks like Xabi Alonso might just be the next big thing in terms of coaching. Maybe they could cause a surprise. Then again …
Bayern Munich
… every year we wonder if it’s this time that Bayern Munich won’t win the league. And then they do. It’s 11 in a row now and last year really should’ve been the year — they didn’t even have a striker, now they’ve spent €100m on one. It’s not all rosy, though. Everyone at the club is too scared to tell Manuel Neuer that it’s time to move on, so there’s no new goalkeeper and Neuer is still injured. And Thomas Tuchel is miserable as ever, saying he “had no explanation” as Bayern lost 3-0 to RB Leipzig last week and that he “felt sorry” for Harry Kane, who “must think we’ve done nothing in pre-season for four weeks.” Tuchel, who badly wants a holding midfielder but hasn’t got one of those either, might just be grumpy enough to leave the door open for a challenger. But probably not.
Borussia Mönchengladbach
Who knows what to expect? Just don’t expect much. Gerardo Seoane has taken over, he had one good year and a few disastrous months in a pretty short stint at Leverkusen, and he doesn’t have a lot to work with. Gladbach are short on money, they lost key players in Ramy Bensebaini, Jonas Hofmann and Marcus Thuram, and there looks like there’s plenty of talent in midfield (Julian Weigl, Manu Koné, Florian Neuhaus) but not all that much elsewhere.
Borussia Dortmund
Jude Bellingham is gone, the latest wonderkid to opt for bigger and better things than the Yellow Wall and a Bundesliga silver medal. There’s a big argument over replacement Felix Nmecha — more on that here — and Marcel Sabitzer has also joined. Oh, and Emre Can is captain. Dortmund had a superb 2023 portion of 2022/23 (46 points from 19 games) despite Bellingham not having his best run of form, the question is whether or not that was the real BVB.
Eintracht Frankfurt
Midfield metronome and man mountain Ellyes Skhiri arrives from Köln and there’s a new man in the dugout in Dino Toppmöller, a three-time league winner in Luxembourg-turned Nagelsmann assistant at Bayern. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Frankfurt have all the pieces for another fantastic season and some Nagelsmann-esque football (the Hoffenheim version, please) would make Frankfurt a must-watch side overnight.
FC Augsburg
Oh, they’re still here? OK. Hmm. Augsburg will almost definitely win at home against at least one of Bayern and Dortmund. And then they’ll survive. But not by that much. And I’ll copy and paste this section again for next season.
RB Leipzig
They could be genuine contenders under Marco Rose — he came in last September and they won the most points in the league after his appointment, that’s no flash in the pan — but they’ve lost a key defender in Joško Gvardiol, a key attacking midfielder in Dominik Szoboszlai, and the league’s best player (and most regular goal threat) in Christopher Nkunku. Who had Premier League money down as the eventual saviour of German football? Oh and Konrad Laimer has joined Bayern. Anyway, they’ve replaced well (they always do) from France (like usual) with Castello Lukeba and Loïs Openda, from RB Salzburg (duh) with Nicolas Seiwald and from TSG Hoffenheim with Chrisoph Baumgartner. Rose has all the parts for another impressive season and he’s shown he can develop a team that wins and wins consistently with attack-minded football.
SC Freiburg
Freiburg are always great, always hard to beat, and always worth rooting for.
SV Darmstadt 98
Promoted with the best defence in the 2. Bundesliga by a mile last season, Darmstadt arrive and … oops, they lost 3-0 to a fourth tier side in the cup last week. I can’t pretend to know much but if I had to guess, I’d bet they’ll be hard to beat but will find it hard to win games. Nobody scored more than 12 for them in the second tier last season and that will not be nearly enough to win top flight matches.
SV Werder Bremen
Marvin Ducksch and Niclas Füllkrug, the self-styled “ugly ducklings” of German football have (for now) stuck together as a front two, despite reported interest from Dortmund and Bayern respectively. Naby Keïta has joined too but he’s injured (of course he is) for now.
TSG 1899 Hoffenheim
Pellegrino Matarazzo’s Stuttgart side were thrilling until they weren’t anymore and he was sacked. Hoffenheim have … basically just had the second part so far? They barely survived last season and are still running on the power of whatever’s left in Andrej Kramarić’s legs, even more than ever now that Chrisoph Baumgartner has left.
VfB Stuttgart
Wataru Endo, the Bundesliga’s most underrated midfielder, is gone and the league will be a sadder place for it. Dinos Mavropanos is set to follow him to the Premier League too. Things looked up under Sebastian Hoeneß last season and there’s cause for optimism … as long as some of that Endo money goes towards a good replacement.
VfL Bochum
Agricultural. Yes, that’s the word I’ll use for Bochum’s style. Agricultural football. But hey, it works just enough to keep them in the league. Look out for Manuel Riemann, the league’s grumpiest goalkeeper.
VfL Wolfsburg
It’s really hard to say, it feels like Wolfsburg are great for a month and then poor for a month. I guess that’s just the Niko Kovač experience. Patrick Wimmer is always worth watching, he could be set for bigger things down the line, and they’ve spent big on Joakim Mæhle and Lovro Majer so significant returns should be expected to push VfL up the table.
And that’s your lot! Enjoy the weekend, enjoy the season, and please do subscribe and join me for the ride if you fancy it!